FUCK the internet.

I don’t know what the hell is going on with our internet, but I can’t seem to upload anything without taking ages! I originally wanted to go back to my main domain, but I attempted an upgrade, but I couldn’t complete it because it takes aeons to upload a single file. Something isn’t right, and I’m really fed up of trying it over, and over again.

Everything better be up and working 100% tomorrow morning. I wanted to upload something I made for my photography project, but even that took forever, and failed, and timed out when trying to upload.

I spent a lot of money today. I bought a lot of cute shit, and I am pretty damn content overall, I just wish the lady over at Perfumania didn’t charge me twice for my items, now I gotta go back tomorrow to get a refund, such a hassle.

Blog update.

My main blog, http://myalternativemind.net, should be back up and running by tomorrow.

Thank you.
(and if anyone does read this Tumblr blog, I’ll mainly just use this place if my main blog ever happens to go down again.)

Progress.

I’m so fed up with my job, I can’t even stand to be there anymore, at all. I’m at the point where I’m taking all of my frustrations on people that didn’t even do anything wrong. I feel really bad, because I do like all of the people that I work with, I just hate feeling like I am someones personal little bitch.

I wont take that anymore. I am so done with that place, I am so down working for my “manager”. I put that word in quotes, because I feel she doesn’t even deserve that title for us, because the only time she makes any effort to speak with us, it’s to scold us, or to let us know our hours are cut, or for some other stupid reason.

I hate her, and I can’t stand being fake to her anymore. It’s so bad that now I’m speaking to her with such a lifeless tone, and unenthusiastic attitude. I just really hate the fact that she is fake, and will compliment me on some things. I’m just not falling for it.

Anyways… I named this post “Progress” because I’m finally making some kind of effort to move on with this job, and find something better. I’m going to transfer to the new store in Laguna, and hopefully do sales there for a little bit. My goal is to learn how to better myself in working with customers, before I transfer back to a full line store. Since this is my first job, and I rarely have any interactions with customers, I think that this is my safest bet into becoming a good sales person. If I want to sell, I want to be the best. I would totally just love to jump into sales right now at my current store, but with my current state of mind, and my insecurity with some of the people I work with, I know I would fail harder than life.

So I suppose this will just be an alternative step for me, a little detour perhaps. I’m hoping that this all works out for the best, and when I do return to the Spectrum, I’ll be able to make it my best.

I’m just going to be really sad when I leave. I love all the managers that I work with (minus my manager), and a few of the other people that I work with, but I really need to just do something for myself for once, and learn a thing or two on my own. You only live once, and I’ve been taking a two year break doing absolutely nothing, it’s time I step up, and do something now.

—-

I went out and bought this book, “Understanding Exposure” by Bryan Peterson. For the rest of my night tonight, I’ll be staying in, and hopefully learning a thing or two about how to take the best pictures, and make the best use out of my new DSLR camera.

Damn, I hate having to work early, I can’t even enjoy my Friday nights anymore!

I don't know.

I don’t know why I am so unhappy.

I have everything I could want, and more. I have the few good friends that have stuck by me these last years. I am pretty stable, I’d say. I just don’t know how come I am so miserable all the time.

I know what part of the problem is, I just can’t fess up to it, because to me it sounds so stupid, and childish, I don’t even want to talk about it on here.

I need some serious help.

Thoughts.

I need to get away.
I want to experience something new.
I need to find something that will give me some spark again.

Basically, I’m never happy with anything that I produce. I remember when I first got into design and photography, I had ideas, and most of the time I was able to make those ideas a reality. Even though they weren’t always the most spectactular pieces of work to hit the internet, I was still more than satisfied with what I was able to produce.

Not so much anymore. I do get ideas from time to time, but I never make them a reality because: a) I don’t know how to do them or b) I’m just too lazy to learn how to do them.

I know I can fix the lazy problem, it’s just hard to get motivated and actually want to sit down, and read, and experiment. Ugh, I need to go to school soon, I’m sure I’ll be able to get some sort of ideas, and have that creative spark that used to be in me again.

In Between.

I suppose I can Tumblr whenever my other blog is down, just for a place to vent, rant, whatever…

In the past 48 hours, I’ve pretty much ended my friendship with a lot of people.
It’s time to move on.

Intellectual?

My minds in disturbia.

In a way I am relieved to find out that the worst case scenario in Kevin’s death, isn’t true. I’m glad that we all got closure as to what happened with Kevin. I prayed for it, and I’m sure God heard my prayers, along with everyone elses.

Even though now we know what happened, my heart is still in pain, not as much pain as when I first heard the news of Kevin’s death, but still very much close to it. I haven’t been able to cry, but when I do it all just comes out at once, like one big wave. Even when I am happy, mad, sad, or whatever strange moods I am in, the feeling of sorrow is always there. I have come to realize it now more than ever.

I was bored this evening, so I decided to mess around.

Louder now.

I’ve come to conclusion with myself that I need to start finding happiness in the things that I enjoy doing. I obviously can’t rely on my friends anymore. I’ve been spending a lot of time to myself lately, more time than I’ve usually committed to myself. It’s relieving in a way.

I don’t want to be like 90% of my friends that aren’t going anywhere in life. I’m so glad I’m over the pot-smoking stage, and hardcore partying phase. My head is clearer than ever, and I’m ready to accomplish a lot of my goals. I don’t want to have to worry about being broke because I spent my last $20 dollars on a sack of pot that’ll only last me a few hours, or a couple of days. Trust me, I know a lot of people like that. It’s just not worth it anymore. I’m soo over the high school bullshit that I get from some of my friends, even the ones that graduated the same year as me! It’s pure comedy.

On the other hand - FLAKES. I absolutely cannot stand a flake, at all. Especially, if you’ve flaked on me more than a few times this year. Don’t make plans with me, if you can’t even commit. I rarely ever flake. I don’t want to waste other peoples times, so please, don’t waste mine. It just boggles me how some of my friends make plans with me a week in advance, to just let me down at the very-last-minute. Like, okay, it makes no sense. Not only that, but I hate the lies that go along with flaking. Please come up with something more original, and clever, because I for one am not stupid.

Lastly. You know those friends that get into a relationship with someone, and completely forget about you? But then the moment they break up, you’re back in their life? It’s rediculous. I shouldn’t have to wait for your relationship to end, for ours to resume again. It doesn’t work like that for me anymore. What a way to be a shitty friend, seriously. After everything that I’ve done for a few of you that do this to me, this is how you repay me? No more.

I have absolutely no time for anyone that fits in the three categories above. If you can’t figure out what those ‘categories’ are, let me break it down for you. losers, flakes and shitty friends. Got it? Good. I am not going to set myself up anymore to just be let down. I find myself more angrier than ever, and it’s just not worth putting time into friends that don’t give a shit about me and my feelings, and my time. So good riddance to you!

For anyone that doesn’t know me, I’m not a mean person at all. In fact, I care about everyone that I meet. It’s just shitty that people that I’ve known for a few good years, seem to just no longer care about me. Kinda sucks, but hey, people drift apart all the time. I’m finally realizing this, and accepting it. It’s life.

I’m gonna make damn sure, that the dreams that I have in the back of my head, will become a reality. The people that I want in my life in the end of all this, will really be happy they stuck around. I have a game plan for everything that I do, and now that I am more focused than ever, nothing, nobody, can stop me. My desire to succeed is stronger than ever.

Even though it is hard for me to stand on my two feet again on my own because of Kevin’s death, I will make my life worth something. I will make him proud, my family, and even the people that I’ve pretty much let go. I will make them wish they were still in my life. I’m doing it all for me, for Kevin, and for my family. Boo-yah.

& I truly hope that for those who really do have dreams of being something, anything. You find the strength and courage to move on and let go of whatever is dragging you down, and just do it.

Edit/ Let me make this clear as well. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone. So please stop thinking about yourself for once.

Reassuring.

It’s helpful, and comforting to know that their are other people that feel the same way about missing Kevin.

Still, to this day I am missing him more than ever.

Testing the strong ones.

I’ve been very productive lately. Today I almost finished my photography Myspace account. I really like how it turned out. I am also thinking of getting the d300 instead of the d80. We’ll see though…

I need to find new friends. A lot of the ones in the area are so full of drama, or we have absolutely nothing in common. I’ve been so bored lately, and not having anyone to really talk too. It’s late nights like these I wish Kevin was around, I would talk to him for hours, but now the nights are so lonely.

Everyday my life is starting to get back together, slowly. Although, I still think about Kevin, all the time. Shit, every other couple of minutes I find myself thinking about him. I get so happy during the day, and it all gets shot down back to depression mode. I just really, miss him. His friends have been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough. I just really want him back, and I know that’ll never happen, but it’s something I’m just not wanting to accept. Knowing me, it’ll take me awhile to try and move on. I’m getting my tattoo for him in a couple of weeks, I can’t really describe it, so whoever reads this will just have to wait till I post some pictures.

Faith.

Growing up, I was raised in a Catholic family, I’ve always had faith in the Lord, even when times were dark, I’ve always had faith. Lately, I’m not sure what to believe though, these past years I’ve been drifting away from the Lord, and having so many questions, that aren’t able to be answered. After Kevin’s death, I’ve felt like my faith has been renewed. I pray every night now. 

I just want to believe, that we all go to a better place in the end, and are able to be happy with our loved ones. I just want to be able to spend time with the ones who loved me, and was a joy to have in my life. My grandma and Kevin for example. 

All I can do, is have faith that the Lord is in fact, real, and just believe that in the end, I will be reunited with the ones I hold close to my heart.

The celibate life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, and where I want to go, and what I want to do. I know I want to do something with art. Whether it be graphic design, photography, whatever. Something along those lines would suit me well, I think. 

Or, I would like to do something with public relations. For example, club openings, celebrity parties, etc. I think that would be a blast, and I would be great at that. Moving to LA will help me achieve those goals, I already know it. 

As for moving on, I don’t really know where I stand at my current job. I know I do above the average, but it just doesn’t feel like I’m getting the recognition that I feel like I deserve. I know I should be moving up, but whether it be personal differences, grudges, etc, whatever it is, has kept me back, and is setting me up for failure. Something I wont have.

So, I really don’t know what I want to do, I love working with the people that I converse with, but others I don’t really care to see everyday. I’m thinking about my last day. I don’t know if I should be publicly telling everyone at work, but whatever. I am honest, and thats how I live. I’m thinking July 11th, a month from tomorrow. We’ll see though, this is about the 10th time I’ve actually thought about leaving. I’m just so stressed out from everything that has been going on lately, my mind is in limbo state to process anything more.

I’m starting to find little things that help motivate me again, and are keeping me alive. If I didn’t, I would be miserable, forever. It’s hard though, when someone who helps motivate you is gone, it’s hard to start on your own. I find myself spending money left and right to help get my mind off of things, and to relieve some stress. On top of it, I’ve been searching for ideas, listening carefully to lyrics, and finding stuff inside of me for the tattoo I am getting for Kevin. I want it to be perfect, because I wont settle for less, especially him. I need a vacation.